2.

Knowing that I felt pretty good after the first chemo, I wasn't feeling too anxious about the second one. 

This time around it has been so much better to handle as the drug doesn't even remotely have the effect on me like last time! 

Last time I had every side effect possible: vomiting, mouth ulcers, weird taste, numbness of the face, hurting of the skin, tiredness, loss of hair, menopause... and with all of that the worst thing: I dreaded having to go in again and again to get that sickening drug again and again...it was harder every time I went. By the end I was already feeling sick just smelling the hospital smell...

I used to love hospital smell! No wonder, the only other times I've been there before were when I had my girls. Happy times!

This time it's a little easier...at least right now and I hope it'll stay that way!

All the first chemo had done was making me tired...and maybe a little short breathed...I can handle tired, and short breathed...fingers crossed it stays that way. 

1.

I can feel it racing through my body.

Fast. Crazy. Hungry.

Searching for the enemy within. 

Ready for the battle.

The Plan

Having a plan is so much better! It calms your spirit, it frees your thoughts...

My plan:

1. Getting a port under general

2. Starting chemo 2 days later

3. Checking if chemo works in 6-8 weeks 

4. If it does: keep going with chemo

5. If it doesn't: start different chemo 

The oncologist is very hopeful! He said there is always hope...and he said it's ok to cry, but now we need my fighting spirit to help with the treatment. 

I am ready! Bring it on! 

The 'inbetween' place

The days between diagnosis and treatment plan are the worse.

Panic attacks all day: shaking....difficulty breathing....cold flushes...shivering...

Uncontrollable crying: tears....scared...disbelieve...

Planing the end: organising support....writing letters to the children, to family, to friends....

And trying to be hopeful but not able to fight the dark cloud surrounding me, getting into every por of me....

So scared of the appointment where my treatment plan will be revealed. Not because I'm scared of the treatment, I'm scared they might tell me they have reconsidered but it's worse than they first expected and there is nothing they can do for me...

So scared...!

Change of plans...

I intended to write this blog as a little diary about our move from Sydney to Berlin and to document what it felt like and what we went through.

Now this has all changed....it has all changed with one diagnosis...one utterly shocking diagnosis I really did not expect nor was prepared for in any way!

On fools April my doctor told me: 'I'm sorry to say, but the ct scan we did showed metastasis in your lung and your spine.'

.....

Head spinning...can't hear....can't breath...can't breath...someone hit me, please....can't breath!!!!....

Me: 'I've got two kids! I'm not supposed to die now!.......is this it?'

Crying...trying to breath...can't....need air....can't hear....can't breath!

He: 'There is still a lot we can do!'

He gives me time....to calm down....he gives me hope...why is he hopefull? ...can't trust it....

I'll be back in 3 days to get my treatment plan...starting treatment the week after...

I need to go home....get the kids...but I'm struggling to walk...to breath... 

But I manage....somehow...and the next morning I'm greeted by this lucky charm...never before have I actually seen a chimney sweeper on a roof doing their work! Thank you Mr Chimney-Sweeper!

Making an effort...

Since we have been back from hamburg I have made an effort to meet people and make new friends...which is usually what I do anyway...I don't know why it took me so long and why I had to be so depressed before I got up and made friends...but anyhow, it's been lovely!

I have been meeting new friends I made here and even an old friend from bondi who lives not far from us. I sooooo needed that. I soooo need friends to feel truly happy...the more the better!

And when my friend Susi told me she was going to come and visit from bondi I was over the moon!

We had a great time and the kids just loved having her 'auntie' Susi back...they just couldn't get enough of her and we all wished she could have stayed longer!