Dark but glowing

This week was shit!

I don't know why, but the last chemo hit me hard.

Maybe it was the rather exhausting weekend before (we had dropped the kids at the grandparents place in Bavaria for a week of summer holiday fun), or maybe it's just gonna get worse again from now on chemo after chemo (that would be fatal, fingers crossed it was the exhaustion!).

Whatever it was, it hit me pretty hard...thankfully the kids where away, enjoying themselves. 

I felt like crap. Tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Sore. Breathless. Old.

On top of that I had flu like symptoms again...including a temperature.

Now imagine...feeling like that, not able to do anything other all day than stay in bed or on the lounge half asleep waiting for it to get better...kinda thirsty, but too weak to get a drink...kinda hungry, but too sore to get some food...

You are bound to get depressed. 

This illness is depressing in itself. But as soon as you physically feel like shit, you mentally go down the drain! 

You start to 'feel' the illness. You start to imagine it's getting worse. You start to believe it's the end!

You really do! 

And what is even worse: No one sees it! No one can see how bad you actually do feel!

It's unfair and it annoys the hell out of me, but it's the ugly truth!

Everyone I meet says the same thing:

OMG! You look amazing! And so healthy!

Yes, thank you. It's the fucking chemo glow. Would you like to try? It's pretty awesome!

It annoys the hell out of me! 

And don't get me wrong. It's not my friends I'm annoyed with, it's the chemo!

I wanna feel as great as I look! Healthy and glowing and strong! 

But instead I feel old and weak....soooo weak! I can hardly manage to go to the shops to get a carton of milk these days!

Depressing....

But I feel much better now, having chucked it all out there! 

10.

Chemo number 10...

Had to come here by myself today...missing Susi...

At least the weather is beautiful and warm which allowed me to sit out in the meadow again.

And guess what I did?

I called Susi!

I had talked to my oncologist just before, so I wanted to update Susi and ask her opinion...

The oncologist took a new tumor marker last week. 

I didn't expect a big change as I haven't felt that different to the time she took one last. But I was pretty nervous. I was all short breathed and exhausted from the fear of the result. 

She didn't tell me the number, as it doesn't matter. It's all about the tendency. 

She didn't even specifically said what exactly the difference to the one before was. 

But as she is not wanting to do a ct, and she is not changing the treatment, it's got to be about the same as the last.  

She did say though, as this treatment seems to help with the pain and seems to keep it stable, she wants to continue on the same schedule. I was a little shocked but she said it'd be silly not to keep on going. Especially as she has just got the two tumor markers and none from before the treatment she can't say exactly what the tendency is yet. 

If it stays stable for a while she will be much more confident to do it less often. 

And it doesn't mean it'll be this schedule for the next 5 years...just for now...

I do think however, I'd like a ct. I think I'll ask her to have one done in 2 weeks...

If it's better, I'll be ecstatic!

If there is no change, that'll be good as well in my situation I guess!

And if it's worse, at least I know...right?

Or maybe I don't want to know...

9.

9 down, 3 to go. 

For now. 

All comes down to tumor markers and maybe a ct. 

I got a cough liquid and antibiotics for my annoying cough today...and fingers crossed it is 'just' a cough...feeling pretty much like a nutcase fearing every little ache has got something to do with 'C'. 

But my back pain is back a little bit too...not at all bad. I'm not taking any pain relief...not because I'm not trying to, just because it really isn't bad...it's more in the background creeping up on me some times...bringing back the fear as well... 

But my hope and positiv outlook are stronger! Just a little bit, but stronger! And I'm sure if I'm given a bit more time without bad news it's gonna be growing to be much stronger than the fear!

And in case my tumor markers and a ct will show I'll have to keep on going with chemo I'm ok with it. Don't mind it at all! I'm actually most chemo days looking forward to it. Not because of the chemo itself, but because of the beautiful and wonderful place that I can call 'my' hospital! 

It's like going to a retreat in a way. 

Today I even had chemo outside...there is this park bench in a meadow just outside the oncology building...and today we asked if I could sit out there in the sun. And they said sure you can, just stay in the shade most of the time! 

So for the biggest part of it I was outside enjoying the sun and the buzzing bees and fluttering butterflies...with Susi...

8.

Chemo number 8....time is flying...

And this time Susi is there with me! Much more fun obviously...

She was looking forward to come and see the new hospital and meet the nurses and my oncologist.

We had a good chat to her and she said she doesn't need a ct at the moment as she isn't in two minds about my treatment. She is very sure it's been working a treat as my pain is pretty much gone...she did say however, that if I ever feel like having a ct done we can do one anytime. 

We have been clarifying my plan a little as well. So we are going to finish the 6 cycles and after my mum is taking me and the girls on a 10 day holiday! Yay!

Ones back I'm probably going to go on a fortnightly schedule to keep going with the Navelbine chemo as it would be advisable to kick the cancer in the butt every other week or so...they where her words...

And I'll definitely gonna keep on going with the misteltoe therapy! For ever! So I should really get my shit together and try injecting it myself...eeeeeekk...at least I manage to watch the whole thing now. So there is a real chance I'm gonna be able to do it all myself someday...fingers crossed.