The 'inbetween' place

The days between diagnosis and treatment plan are the worse.

Panic attacks all day: shaking....difficulty breathing....cold flushes...shivering...

Uncontrollable crying: tears....scared...disbelieve...

Planing the end: organising support....writing letters to the children, to family, to friends....

And trying to be hopeful but not able to fight the dark cloud surrounding me, getting into every por of me....

So scared of the appointment where my treatment plan will be revealed. Not because I'm scared of the treatment, I'm scared they might tell me they have reconsidered but it's worse than they first expected and there is nothing they can do for me...

So scared...!

Change of plans...

I intended to write this blog as a little diary about our move from Sydney to Berlin and to document what it felt like and what we went through.

Now this has all changed....it has all changed with one diagnosis...one utterly shocking diagnosis I really did not expect nor was prepared for in any way!

On fools April my doctor told me: 'I'm sorry to say, but the ct scan we did showed metastasis in your lung and your spine.'

.....

Head spinning...can't hear....can't breath...can't breath...someone hit me, please....can't breath!!!!....

Me: 'I've got two kids! I'm not supposed to die now!.......is this it?'

Crying...trying to breath...can't....need air....can't hear....can't breath!

He: 'There is still a lot we can do!'

He gives me time....to calm down....he gives me hope...why is he hopefull? ...can't trust it....

I'll be back in 3 days to get my treatment plan...starting treatment the week after...

I need to go home....get the kids...but I'm struggling to walk...to breath... 

But I manage....somehow...and the next morning I'm greeted by this lucky charm...never before have I actually seen a chimney sweeper on a roof doing their work! Thank you Mr Chimney-Sweeper!

Making an effort...

Since we have been back from hamburg I have made an effort to meet people and make new friends...which is usually what I do anyway...I don't know why it took me so long and why I had to be so depressed before I got up and made friends...but anyhow, it's been lovely!

I have been meeting new friends I made here and even an old friend from bondi who lives not far from us. I sooooo needed that. I soooo need friends to feel truly happy...the more the better!

And when my friend Susi told me she was going to come and visit from bondi I was over the moon!

We had a great time and the kids just loved having her 'auntie' Susi back...they just couldn't get enough of her and we all wished she could have stayed longer!

Re-connecting

Mila had a week off school and me and the kids have been spending it in Hamburg. 

It was my mums birthday the other week so we came to celebrate with her and stayed on...

It has been really good to be there and to reconnect with the city I was born & bred in, to see all my family and lots of friends...

It definitely showed me how lonely I am in Berlin with not a lot of good and close friends around...at least not yet...

and I wonder, if it would have been better we would have moved to hamburg instead? 

A word about home...

We all have been struggling to feel at home here...I guess this is a topic which will come up again and again as it is what this move is all about. After all, we are trying out possibilities, sussing out situations and shuffling around priorities. 

Everyone who has lived abroad for some time would feel the same...it's hard work to make a 'home back home' when you feel so connected with your 'new and now old' home. 

We have both spend most of our adult life in Australia. We have studied and worked there. We have spend all our professional life there. We have made friends there. We have found a new family there. And we had to be pretty resiliant and self sufficient to manage. At least sometimes...

Bottom line: we have created a home there! We have had our two girls there. And in case you are wondering: if you ask either of the girls where their home is and where they are from, they will both tell you: Bondi, Australia!

No question about it, we will always have a strong connection and bond to Australia and to Germany. The question is more where we want to live in the near future. 

We thought we have to be close to family for some time, and yes, that is amazing. But the everyday life and routine is just so important too. And no doubt about that: that is definitely better in Australia. 

Not just that, but we are really missing our friends. The kids seem to make a lot of new friends at Kita and school, but for us it's hard and feels almost impossible. 

People here are nice and friendly, but would never think of you as a new addition to their circle of friends. At least usually... They don't mean it bad in any way. They just don't think of it. 

Which makes it pretty lonely and isolated for us some times. And anyone who knows me would tell you: I love having friends around me! It's what I need to be truly happy!

Nevertheless we don't regret coming here. We really needed to do this as we would have regretted not taking this chance for sure! Even if it's just to find out that what we had was pretty damn good and we'd be silly to let it go. 

Christmas time....

I know this post is kinda late....but as it finally started snowing here it still feels very chrismassy...and anyhow...I haven't been posting for ages, so now a little 'latepost' about our advent and Christmas time in our 'new home back home'.

Leading up to Christmas are the four Sundays before Christmas Eve, the Advent Sundays.

In Germany they are celebrated with a wreath decorated with four candles sitting on the table.

On the 1st Advent you light up the first candle. And for the whole week after you always just light up one! Then the next Sunday, the 2nd Advent you light up the first one as well as the second one! And so on...it is a nice tradition, especially as it helps the kids to count down the weeks, similar to the advent calendar...and it is so cosy and nice to have candles light up every morning and night while it is still dark outside.

We had been pretty busy on most weekends visiting family and family visiting us. That is the right Christmas spirit I guess...however, it was lovely and we rally enjoyed it!

On the 4th Advent, we got our Christmas tree and my Mum was here to celebrate Christmas with us.

We celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. That is the main night and the time where the christchild brings the presents. We had a great dinner with a yummy roast and then it was time for the presents...

1st Advent

2nd Advent

3rd Advent

4th Advent

Hänsel&Gretels gingerbread house... 

Lunch on Christmas Eve

A little poem before w open the presents...

Desert after the presents: Bratapfel! That is roasted de-cored apple with marzipan and vanilla sauce....yammyyyyyyy! Oh and not to forget the little marzipan snowman on the side!

BAM! And Winter is here, the 2nd

I know I've posted that winter was here before... But that was just what felt like winter to us! It was the beginning of Autumn to everyone else...!

Now it has gotten cold, and pretty much all the trees have lost their leaves...and when I say cold, this time I mean it! It's just about 5 degrees during the days and around 0 at night, so by the time we are leaving for school in the morning it is around 2degrees!

The kids are very excited and are waiting for the first snow...and I am too I have to say! 

Nothing beats the very first snow of the season and the way it muffles every sound...fingers crossed it's coming soon!