36.

I'm in such a foul mood today. Foul and sad and angry and bad. Oh and grumpy. How could I forget grumpy...

I think it's mainly due to the fact that I've been putting on weight even though I'm trying to lose it! 

It's the cortisone. I know. But that doesn't make it any better or easier. 

35.

Chemo #35. 

In I went. 

Out I got. 

Easy. Quick. 

But I'm worried. I'm actually freaking out. 

I started having numb and tingling fingers, and sometimes toes. It started just before Easter. I thought it was a side effect from chemo. 

By now my pinky and ring finger on my left hand are pretty much tingly/numb 24/7. And 2 days ago I realised I haven't got a lot of strength in my left hand. Not as much as in my right. 

I can't open lilla's skirt buckle with my left. Or at least it feels strangely weak. 

It was ok as long as I thought these are just side effects. 

But today I was told they might not be. There could be more metastasis growing in my neck/upper spine. 

But what I'm really freaked out about is that I worry it is ALS!

My dad passed away on ALS almost 8 years ago. It went really quick. 

He was diagnosed in May, by August he was on a breathing machine unable to move more than his head and in October he let the doctors turn off the life support. 

What if I have develop ALS? On top of the cancer. 

I can hardly breath. 

That would be the worst. 

34.

This is not only chemo #34, it is also 1 year of chemo! 

Yes, yesterday, on fools April a year ago, I was diagnosed!

A year ago I was sure I wouldn't make it another year...even though my doctor back then told me there is still a lot they can do and try to keep it at bay. 

But it took me weeks to believe him. To even just listen to what he was saying. I just didnt hear it...couldn't hear it...

Now I got used to it. 

There is easier times and not so good days, as to be expected...but it's definitely amazing how much a human being can take. And I mean there are so many people who have it much, much worse than me...

33.

Chemo 33...

Pretty straight forward today. 

Except that from all the excess fat/water retention from being on cortisone, the nurse had trouble finding my port. 

But she is a good nurse!

She found it. 

She marked it. 

She got the needle in first go!

Phew!

I did end up with quite a bruise though...but nothing to worry about. 

And I did use the time sitting at chemo to knit! 

I've been getting back into the knitting lately. It's such a relaxing thing to do. And so rewarding! 

I do struggle sometimes with my cramping fingers though. But it doesn't seem to be as bad as it is crocheting. 

The cramping is another side effect I just started having. 

I'm not sure from which of my medications...

Morphium?

Cortisone?

Chemo?

32.

I was dropped off at chemo by Suriya today. 

What more do I need? 

Chemo 32 ✔️

Getting stronger every day ✔️

31.

Suriya is visiting a friend in Prag/Pilzen this week. 

So I've been ticking off appointments and things I needed to organise. 

And today I went to chemo. 

Just another thing to tick off. 

I can't believe how strong I've gotten. 

Even over the last couple of days. 

No more shaky hands. No more blurry view. I even managed to visit a friend on the third floor and I wasn't even out of breath getting up there! I didn't even need any time to recover! Sure I went up slowly, but still! Crazy! 

So today's chemo went quick and easy. 

In my favourite chair. 

What more do I need? 

30.

Chemo 30.

Sounds big. 

Sounds like it needs a big tick. 

Sounds like it deserves a big ✔️

And on another note: I got this amazing surprise! A parcel just for me! All the way from Oz!

Aren't those unexpected gifts the best?! 

I felt so pampered and special and thought of and happy! 

Thank you again my dear friend Peta! 💖