Weak, broken, hopeless

I'm so depressed at the moment. 

So down. 

So sad. 

So scared. 

Of dying and of leaving my children without a mother. 

This is really not like me. I'm usually very positive and have been taking this diagnosis as a chance. 

But even the mentally most positive and strongest person is gonna have a hard time sometimes. 

I'm struggling with the sense of it all and with what's right and wrong. 

And I'm struggling with my weak body. Thinking off it I'm sure that's the main reason I'm mentally broken right now. 

Feeling your body not cope and being weak like I was over 100 years old it's bound to make you feel broken to the core. 

I wanted to be independent again. 

Wanted to be myself again. 

And I get 'me' in the worse possible state: weak, broken and hopeless. 

So many tears. They just keep coming. I just try to hide them from the kids. I don't want my girls to be frightened. 

 

Sick

It's hard to feel sick at the best off times. 

But to feel this sick on top off chemo and cancer and everything is just incredibly hard. 

I don't think I've ever been that sick. 

Bed bound for over 6 weeks! 

Totally out off reach for the girls. 

Just not involved in anything at all. 

Just sick, weak, down, hopeless. 

Hopeless that it'll ever be better again. 

And all because off an over reaction/allergic reaction to oxycodon. A morphin type pain relief I was supposed to take for my back pain...

The back pain which came back and seems to be staying. 

That is already freaking me out but it doesn't seem to face any of the doctors!

So after vomiting my guts out for 10 days my oncologist hospitalised me for a week. 

It was good to have some space to just be able to be sick without always trying to NOT make it look like I'm dying in front off the kids. And it has been good being looked after by doctors and nurses for a while. 

And the best thing was finding the reason for the vomits: not a tummy bug, but an reaction to my med's!