36.

I'm in such a foul mood today. Foul and sad and angry and bad. Oh and grumpy. How could I forget grumpy...

I think it's mainly due to the fact that I've been putting on weight even though I'm trying to lose it! 

It's the cortisone. I know. But that doesn't make it any better or easier. 

35.

Chemo #35. 

In I went. 

Out I got. 

Easy. Quick. 

But I'm worried. I'm actually freaking out. 

I started having numb and tingling fingers, and sometimes toes. It started just before Easter. I thought it was a side effect from chemo. 

By now my pinky and ring finger on my left hand are pretty much tingly/numb 24/7. And 2 days ago I realised I haven't got a lot of strength in my left hand. Not as much as in my right. 

I can't open lilla's skirt buckle with my left. Or at least it feels strangely weak. 

It was ok as long as I thought these are just side effects. 

But today I was told they might not be. There could be more metastasis growing in my neck/upper spine. 

But what I'm really freaked out about is that I worry it is ALS!

My dad passed away on ALS almost 8 years ago. It went really quick. 

He was diagnosed in May, by August he was on a breathing machine unable to move more than his head and in October he let the doctors turn off the life support. 

What if I have develop ALS? On top of the cancer. 

I can hardly breath. 

That would be the worst. 

34.

This is not only chemo #34, it is also 1 year of chemo! 

Yes, yesterday, on fools April a year ago, I was diagnosed!

A year ago I was sure I wouldn't make it another year...even though my doctor back then told me there is still a lot they can do and try to keep it at bay. 

But it took me weeks to believe him. To even just listen to what he was saying. I just didnt hear it...couldn't hear it...

Now I got used to it. 

There is easier times and not so good days, as to be expected...but it's definitely amazing how much a human being can take. And I mean there are so many people who have it much, much worse than me...