13.

Back to reality. Back to chemo. 

After a great time in Majorca. 

I actually managed to forget. Forget the cancer, forget the chemo...

So I didn't mind going to chemo...I wouldn't have minded staying away for longer ether...but I was ready for the next chemo feeling strong and happy and relaxed from the holidays. 

So I was quite surprised I was actually pretty nauseous after. 

Maybe because straight after we went to a big family reunion weekend. 

It was lovely, but exhausting. 

So the week after was spend on the lounge resting and sleeping while the kids were at school. 

12.

Going to chemo the day after my amazingly strength giving talk was a walk in the park. 

I didn't mind it at all! It was just one thing I did in order to be alive and be on my way. 

And I had my summer break coming up the week after. 10 days Majorca with my girls and my mum! Bliss! 

Plus I had finally manage to inject my misteltoe therapy all by myself! So proud!

One persons wise words

I've got this friend. Her name is Tamsin. I haven't known her for long, but boy do I love her. She is amazing!

Through her work she met this guy. From Bahrain. Kind of stranded in Germany. And he is an oncologist. 

She told him about me and my struggles with the German system and the German doctors. He offered to meet. 

And so we did. 

Isn't it amazing how one persons words can change your whole outlook? How one hour with someone can give you strength you thought long lost?

And I'm not talking any religious or follow-me-and-believe-me-and-you-will-be-saved-none sense (sorry if I have offended any religious or follow-me-and-believe-me-and-you-will-be-saved people)

I'm just talking the good old come-on-and-open-your-eyes-to-the-positive-things-talk. I mean we all need it ones in a while. The person who can bring us down to reality who can ground us and see what is really important. The one who can take our fears away. 

And that was just what he did!

One of the first things he said was, that I was undoubtably the healthiest person in the room. That we are all going to die but that everyone usually ignores that fact. But I am facing it. And it makes me real, and makes it possible to really see the important things and the real beauty in life. 

He said a whole lot of other things as well. We talked for two hours. But that's not important. 

What is important is the fact that since I've met him I'm so much happier and lighter! Yes I do sometimes have fear creeping up on me, no doubt about that. But I can handle it. 

And what is more important: since we talked, I don't consider myself dying! I consider myself very much living! And I'm going to use this opportunity live through at me. This opportunity to change and finally start looking after me and start to feel I'm worthy of being looked after. And important. And believe that I have the right to be happy. 

It's a big change and I'm taking it one step at a time!

11.

This chemo was kinda strange...not the chemo itself (even though I was nervous as I had quite some side effects again from the last one), but my oncologist!

She has always been a little odd. She is very vage and never gives you straight answers. You always analyse later what she probably ment by what she said...it's tiring, exhausting and doesn't help me very much. 

Usually I feel worse after I saw her. Not a good starting point...

But this Tuesday topped it all!

She had been not wanting to do a ct scan. In her opinion, my tumor marker is indication enough to just keep on going. 

I find that a little strange especially as she hadn't got a marker from before treatment. She has one from after the second cycle and one from after the fifth. 

And they haven't changed. 

So they don't tell her anything.

Plus the marker is a very unreliable source of information anyway. 

However, she had always told me if I would like one, we can do one. 

So today I told her. I had made up my mind. I would like a ct scan done. 

Her imideate reaction was: Don't expect a good result. 

Why not? Shouldn't we expect a good one as my pain has gone down so much?

You can expect what you like. I expect what I like! But at least you have 10 days in Majorca on holiday to get used to it. 

Er...but in my situation a 'same as before' result is already a good result, isn't it?!

Shrugging...

So there is a chance it might have gotten worse? What would happen then?

We would have to start radiation immediately! So no holiday in Majorca...it's up to you if you wanna risk that. 

If there is a chance it has gotten worse isn't that another reason for doing a scan? I don't care about 10 days in Majorca if that would give me years with my children! 

...and on it went...after me and Susi got out we just looked at each other and said: absolutely mad!...crazy!

I was in such rage I started crying. Who is she talking to be like that? What the heck is she thinking? She is dangerous, mean and mad!

The nurses figured something was wrong...they asked me...I told them...they understood, they comforted me, they said she is like that with every patient at one point, they said patients are leaving because of her, and they said she needs to be told. 

So they told her. Right there. Right then. 

She came over and apologiesed. She said everything she said happened out if love. I said I don't need that kind of love and asked her if she has ever thought about the patients feelings? And that it is pretty hard to stay positive anyway, but it is near impossible if the oncologist is as negative as her. It's draining and exhausting and I don't need that. 

She asked if I could forgive her, and asked if she could hug me...I said yes. 

*****

The next day I had my ct...and two days later got my results. 

She was very happy. Good results. The metastasis in the lungs stayed the same. But they are very small and make up a tiny percentage of the whole lung so can't possibly cause the cough I had or short breath. Phew!

And the metastasis in the spine are clearing and leaving behind very beautiful dense bone...yay!

And thank god Susi was there! It would have been twice as horrible, twice as exhausting and half as exciting without her that week!