24.

I had chemo 24 at home again. 

Mila had her Christmas school party on this arvo and straight after her ballet concert. I just didn't wanna miss it. 

So I took 100mg Navelbine this time. 

I was so exhausted from the huge day I had and really didn't feel like it...but there is no escaping it. 

The day after, I was first ok, but at nighttime I had a big fever attack. First I had the shivers, then I was boiling. And vomiting all in between. 

It was scary. 

The kids didn't seem to be faced by it. 

I was obviously very sick there on the lounge and they just watched TV. 

I guess it's better that way. And who knows, deep down it probably has scared them too. 

It's sometimes so hard to know what they need. They seem so resilient and ok with the situation. Obviously they don't understand how life threatening it really is they just believe in the good outcome. 

Lilla came up to me and said: Mummy, you have to die because you've got cancer!

I said yes that's true, everybody has to die but not everybody dies of cancer. 

She replied her friends dad died of cancer! 

And that was it. I wanted to explain but she turned around and was fine with it. Just like that. 

This wasn't the first time she told me. And it was probably not the last time. 

I think it's much harder for Mila as she is 9 1/2 and is so much more mature and has a deeper understanding. 

It must be so hard for her to see me so sick. And at the moment it feels like every time we go one step forward we are going three steps back. 

But I think we are doing a good job in hiding the very ugly truth and still being open and honest about the situation. 

Luckily she never had to see me in a very bad stage of pain attack or depression. 

Not yet. 

Who knows what's still to come?

I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard. 

Weak, broken, hopeless

I'm so depressed at the moment. 

So down. 

So sad. 

So scared. 

Of dying and of leaving my children without a mother. 

This is really not like me. I'm usually very positive and have been taking this diagnosis as a chance. 

But even the mentally most positive and strongest person is gonna have a hard time sometimes. 

I'm struggling with the sense of it all and with what's right and wrong. 

And I'm struggling with my weak body. Thinking off it I'm sure that's the main reason I'm mentally broken right now. 

Feeling your body not cope and being weak like I was over 100 years old it's bound to make you feel broken to the core. 

I wanted to be independent again. 

Wanted to be myself again. 

And I get 'me' in the worse possible state: weak, broken and hopeless. 

So many tears. They just keep coming. I just try to hide them from the kids. I don't want my girls to be frightened. 

 

23.

This week I wasn't as lucky as last time. 

This week I was sitting next to a guy who listened to music on his phone. That wouldn't have been a problem obviously, but this guy turned it up so annoyingly loud that I was forced to listen too. And it was the worse type of music: Deutscher Schlager!

I felt tense and annoyed, not relaxed and positive like last time. 

Maybe that is the reason why this week has been pretty hard. 

I had quite some nausea and quite some sore muscles and flu like symptoms again. All side effects from chemo. 

And I have been pretty depressed. Which is not like me at all. But that I'll write about in another post. 

22.

Chemo number 22.

All ready for it. 

Had to be wheeled there again as I'm still too weak but that's ok. 

I felt great after the last chemo so I was looking forward to this one. 

And I met another lady who I could talk to while sitting there. That was a nice change. Talking to someone in the same situation or at least very similar situation was so good! 

It's not even that we talked about our disease or anything in particular, but just having someone opposite you who truly understands, someone who is part of the same club, it felt good!