24.

I had chemo 24 at home again. 

Mila had her Christmas school party on this arvo and straight after her ballet concert. I just didn't wanna miss it. 

So I took 100mg Navelbine this time. 

I was so exhausted from the huge day I had and really didn't feel like it...but there is no escaping it. 

The day after, I was first ok, but at nighttime I had a big fever attack. First I had the shivers, then I was boiling. And vomiting all in between. 

It was scary. 

The kids didn't seem to be faced by it. 

I was obviously very sick there on the lounge and they just watched TV. 

I guess it's better that way. And who knows, deep down it probably has scared them too. 

It's sometimes so hard to know what they need. They seem so resilient and ok with the situation. Obviously they don't understand how life threatening it really is they just believe in the good outcome. 

Lilla came up to me and said: Mummy, you have to die because you've got cancer!

I said yes that's true, everybody has to die but not everybody dies of cancer. 

She replied her friends dad died of cancer! 

And that was it. I wanted to explain but she turned around and was fine with it. Just like that. 

This wasn't the first time she told me. And it was probably not the last time. 

I think it's much harder for Mila as she is 9 1/2 and is so much more mature and has a deeper understanding. 

It must be so hard for her to see me so sick. And at the moment it feels like every time we go one step forward we are going three steps back. 

But I think we are doing a good job in hiding the very ugly truth and still being open and honest about the situation. 

Luckily she never had to see me in a very bad stage of pain attack or depression. 

Not yet. 

Who knows what's still to come?

I'm trying to stay positive but it's hard.