29.

I walked to chemo today! 

All by myself! 

On this beautiful sunny day!

With this gorgeous spectacular view from my chemo chair!

I'm pretty exhausted, my hands are shaking, my eyes aren't focusing but I am happy!

So good to get stronger again.

So good to get independent again. 

All thanks to the cortisone. 

After two weeks off being on 8mg a day the Cushing-syndrome kicked in. 

All 'puffed-up-pan-cake-face' is my middle name now. But who cares? I can eat. I am not vomiting. That's all that matters.

Another great thing: my mum and brother and his girlfriend took the girls for a week during school holidays. 

They had a ball! And we had a week off!

It was great to have a quiet week to gain even more strength. 

Even though I kind of overdone it a bit when I went grocery shopping to the organic shop. I was stranded on their lounge for 30min before I was fit enough for the way home. 

But I made it. And it felt great!

And I even managed to bake scones on the day my mum dropped the kids back!

28.

Chemo 28. 

I'm getting stronger. I'm getting happier. 

I can even make it to the corner and back. Walking very slowly, getting into everyone's way. 

I did not make it to chemo yet. So still in the wheel chair. But that's ok. Maybe next week. 

I tend to over do it and then I have to pay the price later. 

I still need a two hour nap to recover from exhaustion after walking for about 400 meters. 

Just to be able to make it to the bathroom is great. 

I can have a shower sitting down in the bathtub. 

I can get to the fridge and I can fix myself a tea or some food. 

After I'm shaking. 

After I can't focus my eyes properly. 

After I am totally out of breath. 

After I'm so exhausted I need a couple of hours rest to recover to a state able to do it again. 

But that's ok too. 

One step at a time. 

Right now my radius is living room to kitchen or bathroom, maybe next week I can get to the kids room or even to the washing line to hang up the laundry. 

Exciting times ahead. That's for sure!

27.

I'm slowly getting better...still too weak to walk to chemo so I've been pushed here in my lovely wheel chair...hurray for wheel chairs and friends who push you! 

And an even bigger hurray for friends who push you to the shops and to have a nice little lunch just before chemo!

It feels so strange and incredibly good to be able to go/wheel to a shop!

It might sound ridiculous, but I have been looking forward to it for days and got really excited. 

Like a child going to a lolly shop. And all I got was laundry liquid, tissues and such things...oh and a new mascara! 

I haven't been putting any make up on for months...not plugged my eye brows...not even washed my hair for weeks in a row because I didn't make it to the bathroom...so getting a new mascara felt like such a pampering thing to do! 

Hitting rock bottom

I don't even know where to start...

First off all because the last couple of months have been so hard, second, it's been a while since it happened but I just couldn't face it writing about it...or maybe I was just still too weak as well...it's been hard tiping with very shaky hands and very weak watery eyes from exhaustion. 

After Christmas and New Years, I still didn't get any better...in fact I got even worse. I didn't think that was possible, but it was.

Early January I was down to 49kg. 

So weak. 

No muscles. 

Asleep all day. 

So nauseous. 

Couldn't eat. 

Couldn't drink. 

Constant vomiting. 

My oncologist was wheighing up if he needed to get me into a palliative hospital ward. 

He decided to try and IV feed my over night at home first. 

We started on a Thursday night. 

The nurse came to hook me up to the pump. 

It went through my port. 

The first night they just did a trial run with a quarter of the usual amount. 

It runs very slowly over a 15hour period. 

The first night was ok. 

The second night was not. 

It was a Friday night. 

After about two hours, I started getting back pain. 

That same pain in my muscle I was taking the morphin for. 

That cramping, excruciating, breath taking pain. 

It got worse. 

And worse. 

I started to turn all red. 

Burning from the inside. 

But no temperature. 

We called the emergency number. 

My doctor wasn't on call. 

We told the doctor on call the only reason for this could be the IV feeding. 

She declined. 

She told us to take more morphin. 

It didn't help. 

We called again. 

She told us to take more morphin. 

It didn't help. 

We called again. 

She still told us to take more morphin. 

It did not help. 

We did not call again! 

That night we thought I was dying. 

That night I wanted to die. 

I was ready to go, the pain was too much to handle, I was ready to be free. 

I took morphin every 30min. And didn't feel any of it. I took as much as I usually take in a week. Nothing!

When the nurse came in the morning to unhook me from the feeding pump, she was pretty concerned. 

An hour later the morphin started to kick in. 

I was in heaven. So high. Flying. Relieved. Light. Free. Singing (Happy from Pharrel Williams...I know. Funny. But I'm not kidding! That's what I was singing in my head) 

I was spaced out all day. 

That night the nurse said she reckons the food might have blocked the morphin as both substances go through the liver. That it was just plain too much for it to handle food and morphin at the same time. 

She started the pump but explained how to turn it off and how to flush my port. 

Two hours later it all started again. 

We emediatly stopped it. 

It took another couple of hours until the morphin started to work again. 

Since then I didn't have any more IV feeding. No one ever really found out what happened. 

All I know is, it was the worse night of my life. But I survived. 

My oncologist started me on cortisone after. The last resort to tackle my nausea. 

And it WORKS!

Finally! I can eat! I am not sick! I am not vomiting! And I am actually really hungry!

26.

Susi took me to chemo 26. 

We had a long talk to my oncologist. 

It's hard for everyone to understand that I have been bed ridden for months not due to the cancer, but due to the morphine side effects. 

No one understands why I am reacting so strong to them. 

I am reacting strong to everything. 

But why on earth is it so hard to find a medication against the constant nausea?

It sounds like such a simple problem. 

But apparently it's not. 

I have tried everything I think. Nothing helps. Constant vomiting. Nothing stays down. For a while I could eat potatoes with yoghurt dip. Not anymore. Or some corn flakes. But not anymore. 

It's so uncontrollable. It just shoots out of me. 

I'm better off not eating at all!