Weak, broken, hopeless

I'm so depressed at the moment. 

So down. 

So sad. 

So scared. 

Of dying and of leaving my children without a mother. 

This is really not like me. I'm usually very positive and have been taking this diagnosis as a chance. 

But even the mentally most positive and strongest person is gonna have a hard time sometimes. 

I'm struggling with the sense of it all and with what's right and wrong. 

And I'm struggling with my weak body. Thinking off it I'm sure that's the main reason I'm mentally broken right now. 

Feeling your body not cope and being weak like I was over 100 years old it's bound to make you feel broken to the core. 

I wanted to be independent again. 

Wanted to be myself again. 

And I get 'me' in the worse possible state: weak, broken and hopeless. 

So many tears. They just keep coming. I just try to hide them from the kids. I don't want my girls to be frightened.