Up and down

There is so much up and down in this journey.

The biggest down being the diagnosis. But if the treatment doesn't work, that would be a much bigger down I guess. 

Another down would be the fact that I have been handling the chemo worse each time...last time it took me almost two weeks to get over it. Which does make you pretty scared of the next one...not the best to go into it expecting the worse...

And to make things even harder, I had quite an awefull and a little strange second meeting with my new oncologist. 

The first thing she said to me was: 'hmm...maybe I shouldn't tell you....hmm'

Woosh...I felt instantly numb again.

She: your tumour marker is extremely high!

I felt sick.

She didn't say anything more. 

I had to dig for it, started talking about people living with metastasis for quite a while just to make her give me something positive...something I could draw my attention to...she did however tell me that if I didn't tolerate the chemo there was still the possibility of just excepting the diagnosis and leave it....aaahhh...excuse me, but: NO! 

She then changed and went on talking about not forgetting that the biggest part of me is healthy and just a small part is sick and in case I would get sick again from the chemo I should try and take it on knowing that it is fighting for me...

That helped a little and sitting on the bus I felt strong and powerful and ready to pounce...

...but by nightfall I was small and weak and ready to freak out again...

I wrote one of my amazing breast care nurses from Australia and she wrote me the most comforting message back...

...she said not to focus on the number but on the tendency and on how I feel. And she knows women with a marker in the thousands who are functioning well!

Gosh her massage made me feel so much better!

Question is: why on earth does it seem so hard for German doctors to show something like sympathy or that they care???

What the heck is so hard about it?

Or was she actually testing me and trying to push me to fight more? That would be an anthroposophical thing to do, wouldn't it? Because I do actually like her and I do actually think she cares! She hugs me and pets you in that comforting 'we-are-going-to-make-it-and-we-are-going-to-fight-with-you' kind of way...