Dark but glowing

This week was shit!

I don't know why, but the last chemo hit me hard.

Maybe it was the rather exhausting weekend before (we had dropped the kids at the grandparents place in Bavaria for a week of summer holiday fun), or maybe it's just gonna get worse again from now on chemo after chemo (that would be fatal, fingers crossed it was the exhaustion!).

Whatever it was, it hit me pretty hard...thankfully the kids where away, enjoying themselves. 

I felt like crap. Tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Sore. Breathless. Old.

On top of that I had flu like symptoms again...including a temperature.

Now imagine...feeling like that, not able to do anything other all day than stay in bed or on the lounge half asleep waiting for it to get better...kinda thirsty, but too weak to get a drink...kinda hungry, but too sore to get some food...

You are bound to get depressed. 

This illness is depressing in itself. But as soon as you physically feel like shit, you mentally go down the drain! 

You start to 'feel' the illness. You start to imagine it's getting worse. You start to believe it's the end!

You really do! 

And what is even worse: No one sees it! No one can see how bad you actually do feel!

It's unfair and it annoys the hell out of me, but it's the ugly truth!

Everyone I meet says the same thing:

OMG! You look amazing! And so healthy!

Yes, thank you. It's the fucking chemo glow. Would you like to try? It's pretty awesome!

It annoys the hell out of me! 

And don't get me wrong. It's not my friends I'm annoyed with, it's the chemo!

I wanna feel as great as I look! Healthy and glowing and strong! 

But instead I feel old and weak....soooo weak! I can hardly manage to go to the shops to get a carton of milk these days!

Depressing....

But I feel much better now, having chucked it all out there!